So I have been thinking a lot lately, about my future, about the planet’s shared future and all of that. I have a lot of spare time, and I seem to really enjoy overthinking all the things I possibly can.
So, I have been trying to push forward on all my projects at once, which has caused a great deal of choice paralysis. I have always lived my life in such a way that I kind of follow my heart wherever it wants to go. If I want to spend the day going down rabbit holes on youtube, that is what I do. Sometimes that leads to great things, other times it does not.
But the thing I have been focusing on the most is doing what makes me happy. Things that help me to move forward, and inspire me to do new things. I enjoy organizing my things way too much, so currently that has led to read instruction manuals for apps that have the ability to put things where I need them. It just occurred to me I should put all the text I have in Creative Cloud into DevonThink before my cheap Adobe subscription runs out.
The problem with this is that I haven’t used DevonThink very much, so I need to read the manual so I don’t end up losing all those valuable words I will probably never use or read again. But I digress…
Last Sunday I had a fairly significant meltdown over the loss of my friend and partner in late blooming. L was a wonderful woman, she really was one of the most authentic people I have known, and a valued member of her community. Without her there is no possible way I could have done the Crisis Intervention Training that brought me to where I am now. She will be sorely missed, but back to me…Last Sunday really sucked bad, and it put something in my consciousness that I really didn’t have up until this point.
I had been full of puffery and confidence since I decided to pursue creating a business based around my ability to speak to rooms of people about the challenges of my life and how I had conquered them. I had this idea that because I know in my heart of hearts that I am really good at what I do, of course this was a good idea that just had to be successful. It’s using my talents to create the things that I want to be rewarded with in my life. The very definition of success to me, so it had to work! Right!?!
Well, maybe. Last Sunday the idea that I am still the same lazy schmuck I have always been creeped in. It told me that I am far more likely to eat myself to death in public housing in the next five years than to actually be successful. That this is just like when I wanted to be an actor when I was a kid. Sure, I may be good, but how many people are out there doing what I want to do? How many people are GREAT at thing I am good at? And since I am still just the nerd living under the stairs, how m I possibly going to be able to take advantage of the tremendous opportunities that this new home is providing me?
How am I going to make it if I can’t even record a simple 3 minute video?
Not sure, but persisting still because I just have no idea what else to do. One foot in front of the other and pray I am not walking in circles. This life of mine is full of so many potholes, rabbit holes and sidebars and other distractions, it’s so very hard to stay focused. But if I can do four hours a day on the thing that I love. Maybe, just MAYBE I can get to where I have a reason to suffer from the impostor syndrome that has plagued me for so long.