Do the Thing…


So I have been thinking a lot lately, about my future, about the planet’s shared future and all of that. I have a lot of spare time, and I seem to really enjoy overthinking all the things I possibly can.

So, I have been trying to push forward on all my projects at once, which has caused a great deal of choice paralysis. I have always lived my life in such a way that I kind of follow my heart wherever it wants to go. If I want to spend the day going down rabbit holes on youtube, that is what I do. Sometimes that leads to great things, other times it does not.

But the thing I have been focusing on the most is doing what makes me happy. Things that help me to move forward, and inspire me to do new things. I enjoy organizing my things way too much, so currently that has led to read instruction manuals for apps that have the ability to put things where I need them. It just occurred to me I should put all the text I have in Creative Cloud into DevonThink before my cheap Adobe subscription runs out.

The problem with this is that I haven’t used DevonThink very much, so I need to read the manual so I don’t end up losing all those valuable words I will probably never use or read again. But I digress…

Last Sunday I had a fairly significant meltdown over the loss of my friend and partner in late blooming. L was a wonderful woman, she really was one of the most authentic people I have known, and a valued member of her community. Without her there is no possible way I could have done the Crisis Intervention Training that brought me to where I am now. She will be sorely missed, but back to me…Last Sunday really sucked bad, and it put something in my consciousness that I really didn’t have up until this point.

I had been full of puffery and confidence since I decided to pursue creating a business based around my ability to speak to rooms of people about the challenges of my life and how I had conquered them. I had this idea that because I know in my heart of hearts that I am really good at what I do, of course this was a good idea that just had to be successful. It’s using my talents to create the things that I want to be rewarded with in my life. The very definition of success to me, so it had to work! Right!?!

Right?

Well, maybe. Last Sunday the idea that I am still the same lazy schmuck I have always been creeped in. It told me that I am far more likely to eat myself to death in public housing in the next five years than to actually be successful. That this is just like when I wanted to be an actor when I was a kid. Sure, I may be good, but how many people are out there doing what I want to do? How many people are GREAT at thing I am good at? And since I am still just the nerd living under the stairs, how m I possibly going to be able to take advantage of the tremendous opportunities that this new home is providing me?

How am I going to make it if I can’t even record a simple 3 minute video?

Not sure, but persisting still because I just have no idea what else to do. One foot in front of the other and pray I am not walking in circles. This life of mine is full of so many potholes, rabbit holes and sidebars and other distractions, it’s so very hard to stay focused. But if I can do four hours a day on the thing that I love. Maybe, just MAYBE I can get to where I have a reason to suffer from the impostor syndrome that has plagued me for so long.

Maybe.


One response to “Do the Thing…”

  1. Your insight has always amazed me and your growth is really an inspiration. You challenge me to keep on growing and being better. thank you.

    Like

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