Well, a couple of days off, to be honest. I was pretty sure that whatever alien being had lodged itself inside of my head was going to kill me, that, or I was going to kill myself trying to expel it. The point being, I was having sinus troubles again, and I needed to take a few days and just try to force myself to fall asleep.
I have found that one of the best coping skills I have is to force myself to sleep. It’s very difficult to do permanent damage to one’s self when unconscious. Not impossible, just very difficult. Sometimes I find myself in predicaments where the smartest option is to try to shut down, walk away for a bit and give myself a hard reboot.
If I am suffering from some kind of mood disorder problem, this is almost always a solution, or coping skill, that will allow me to approach the problem from a new angle. Give me a chance to see things through a slightly less utterly broken lens. If it is a physical problem, usually the nap is long enough that I can heal enough to feel better and go about my business. Usually.
But, sometimes the hard reset isn’t enough and I either have to do it several times or just figure out how to persevere through the problem. This weekend was a case of trying several times, taking a LOT of Tylenol and several doses of antihistamines just so I could sleep through it all. It has been an unpleasant series of days is the point I am trying to make. Full of pain and grogginess, and sleeping on the floor because getting into my bed was just too much trouble.
So I had to take a few days off.
So now it’s Monday (I think) and I am playing catch up. Because of the combined effects of sinus trouble and a crippling bout of depression last week, I feel like I need to be punished because I took some time to heal. Time taken away from trying to start a career in helping others to heal. SO I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO BE PUNISHED??!!??
Not sure how that makes sense to my internal logic, but it does. I made a comment on a TikTok from Catieosaurus, and it has really stuck with me. I do find it impossible to grant myself the privilege of being sick. I refuse to let myself have a moment to catch my breath (Do you think that’s air you’re breathing?), and most of all, I don’t feel like I should be allowed to just slow down long enough to enjoy what I am doing anymore because I believe so strongly in where I want to get to.
For somebody who has believed it wasn’t worth trying if you couldn’t be the absolute best at something, this creates some issues.
I have been accused of being lazy for the vast majority of my life by family and friends. They most likely weren’t trying to intentionally be destructive, more of a pep talk if you will, but the point was made. What they really didn’t seem to understand was my belief that If I couldn’t be the best, I didn’t see the point, so I didn’t compete.
And EVERYTHING is a competition. Even if I am only competing with myself.
But now I see something I am good at. Something I can do that most people are simply terrified of. The kind of things people have insecurity dreams about. But it is the kind of thing that makes me feel good and validated and worth while. I see a lot of people are hitting on the same theory or concept or whatever, but internet psychology 101 was never going to be m,y thing. I don’t care about a diagnosis. I don’t care if others are going through the same thing. Maybe that helps with the feelings of loneliness but it does nothing to keep others from getting cut on the sharp corners of my mood swings. Nothing to help those who dared to get caught in the crossfire between my new self and the old me ducking it out on the streets of sadness, and even less to the person who tried to cross the street while I needed to go buy rubber bands to reassemble my shattered self-image.
So it seems we need someone to offer some solutions beyond “I’m sorry I chopped your self-esteem to pieces, did you know emotional impermanence is a sign of ADHD?” I think that could be me. So Loolk for Mutual Esteem Solutions across your social medias while I find a home to start fixing myself and those around me.