So one of the blogs I follow puts up this post, and I felt I needed to make some comments and share some stuff related to what she was talking about.
I have been struggling all week. I finally feel safe enough to really slide into the depression I have been racing ahead of for something resembling a year. From her diagnosis, to getting a chance to share a stage with one of my heroes, to having my remixes not exactly shot down, to her death, to figuring out what comes next, it’s been a bit heavy this year. Lot of things to deal with, and in the middle of it all, I have been trying to start a career I actually believe in. So, there’s been a lot to cope with, and I have been in survival mode for quite a while when I really, really, needed to be in full Beast Mode to get this thing off the ground.
Ok, really the deal is I have a lot to say about starting a cult and this just hit at the right time at the right place…
So, for a long time in my twenties and thirties I really had no clue what to do with my life. This was after I failed so horribly at what most people consider normal life goals (getting married, finding a career, and having a kid, But definitely not in that order), so I started asking around to my friends what they thought I should do. I also went to get tested for aptitude as part of being on disability, which gave the usual results…Tested off the charts for just about everything with the guy who ran the testing center telling me “as long as it doesn’t require manual dexterity, DORS will be more than happy to support whatever training you want”, while this made me feel good, it didn’t tell me what I should do. So I started asking friends, and I heard the same thing over and over…I was destined to either be a rock star or a cult leader.
At this point in my late 40’s I feel like rock star is becoming less and less likely. Still have a decent mane of rock star hair, but the line is definitely receding at this point. Still can’t play an instrument, and do not have any interest in singing, though I can come up with some interesting background loops, just not sure I would call it actual music. And without words, people seem to have problems with it.
So I’m not sure how far what I want to do is from being a cult leader. At the most basic, I am still telling people that the way I conduct myself and what I think is a really good way to go through life. I struggle a whole hell of a lot with the label “Inspirational Speaker” because I feel like what I really want is for people to come away from my presentations with a different mode of thought. The last week or two I keep coming back to this idea of mental illness as a super power, and I honestly don’t think I am wrong.
It is unbelievably difficult to go through life as neurodivirgent. I do not want to take away anything from the difficulty level this brings to every day tasks. I have a mood disorder and my psychology has been changed because of the things I have been through in this life, and for the longest time I believed that those experiences put a cap on what I was capable of. I assumed because of my disability that I could only go so far in life and the resulting pity party lasted for decades.
However, in recent years I have been realizing from just discussing life events with others that because of this difficulty level, I have a different perspective on everything. I have less fear of things that most people view as impossible. Because I have spent the last three or four decades in a room discussing my innermost thoughts and fears with a never ending musical chairs of therapists, social workers and doctors, talking to a room full of people about revelations I had years ago is a Tuesday to me. It’s water cooler talk. I am my life’s work, so talking about stupid shit I did as a teenager that would embarrass most people feels natural. Telling a room full of officers about being pulled over for not having a license and crying my eyes out because I had made myself believe I was going to die in jail because my car had no muffler? Meh, I do that all the time…
I also know that I have run headlong into incredibly stupid situations just because I could. Live in a log cabin with a family I don’t know that well? Sure, sounds like fun. Running a way from a gang who is clearly pointing several handguns at me so I can grab my stereo and get out of the south side of Chicago? Sure, why not. Volunteer myself to redo a database of contacts and rework a record labels entire computer network when I have only ever used three computers in my entire life without any formal training? Yup, that too. My point is, when this has been some of the highlights of my life, why would telling people about it twenty years later frighten me? What scares me now is how do I make a new best friend? How can I meet people so I don’t have to eat alone?
I guess I went a little ramble on this one, and the title really has nothing to do with the content. But this is where I am. I’m saying I’m tired and don’t always know where the next bit of content is going to be coming from. So, Thanks Dubbed Emotions, you gave me something to vent at for a bit this week.