The plan has been altered.

If I have learned nothing at all from the last few weeks, it is that my health is undependable at best, my medication has gone all wonky, and that when you are already feeling just a bit of discomfort all the time, throwing in the idea to quit nicotine altogether is just the chefs kiss on a mile high shit show sandwich. Fuck me, who decided this was a good idea? Did I learn nothing from making a multi-week work week right before Thanksgiving? Oh and speaking of which, I hope you all had a lovely turkey day. I did but I didn’t, and that’s ok.

So lets’ unpack, shall we?

In the last couple of weeks, through the blood pressure incident and the panic attacks, it occurred to me that maybe possibly my psychotropics are off. My moods are kind of all over the place, going from anger and hostility to fear and panic, to grief and depression that just seems never ending and then to these moments where everything in life just seems so beautiful and magnificent.

And just as a sidebar, can I say that it really irks me that a sign of my impending less than sanity is that I start to find the things around me so beautiful and wonderful that I start to cry at the thought of that moment ever changing? Last night I was playing a video game with a couple of friends who I have known forever…One of them I met at a Nine Inch Nails show at the Newport Music Hall in Columbus, OH, we waltzed to the opening band The Wake, this was when I was Sixteen, a full thirty two years ago…The other I met when I was kind of sort of working at a hippy boutique, he was part of the first parcel of kids I met from Lancaster…But we were playing this space sim last night; I was completely overtaken by the beauty of the game and the fact that we were three different guys in three different states in two different time zones and we were just having fun. I was so happy. Just dumbfounded for a bit.

So, in any case, seeing as how I am being overtaken by my emotions, the panic attacks, the constant crying, it’s like all of my emotions have been pushed to eleven, and it paralyzes me. I get so angry at some of the events I went to last week I had to skip out on the rest because I just wanted to scream at people for chatting. I see this as a pretty good sign I need to talk to the headshrink and get the meds adjusted. The Fuckery this will bring is going to put me out of commission for December. So I’m going to work on writing as much content for the YouTube channel as possible. It’s time to start recording and showing off my skillz rather than just writing about them. The idea in my head is write for youtube, and edit for everybody else. I like the way ZeFrank1 is doing his media, I may just steal that idea, too.

I decided that now was a really good time to quit ingesting nicotine. I figured since everything else has shat the bed, I might as well make my life more uncomfortable. I know the health benefits should matter to me (they really don’t, though) but if I ever want to find a new home or start dating again, the lack of smoking will help greatly. And again, since I’m already uncomfortable, why not make it worse?

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I am feeling MUCH better than I was. I almost feel like I could venture out into the publics, I’ve had to go up and down the stairs to do grocery shopping and turkey day and none of that made me want to crawl into bed, so that’s really good. My blood pressure is fairly close to normal now, and most days I don’t feel like I am about a second and a half behind my physical body. That’s really good, right?

Oh yeah, Turkey Day…

Several Thanksgivings ago, I went down and had Turkey Day with just me and my dad and it was fooking amazing. Like Norman Rockwell family living kind of pleasant. One of my favorites I have had since I crossed back over the bay. BUT, my brother has been doing all of the heavy lifting with Dad for quite a bit and if he wants to take Dad to a club, they should do that. Dad gets to spend the day at one of my brother’s fancy clubs with his family and granddaughter, which is cool. I know he loves that stuff, so I will step aside and not bother.

My mother invited me to her turkey day kind of last minute after I had already been invited elsewhere. I thought about going to mom’s, and got scared of the beltway and especially the area in which mom lives. She’s very close to where the local pigskin football team plays, and it just becomes an absolute clusterfuck of traffic most of the time. So, Beltway+Badly designed overpopulated region of the hellmouth=unhappy me. So I chose to go to my friend’s house for turkey day.

It was just her roommate, her mom, her and I. It was awesome. I got to know her roommate a bit better, (he’s pretty quiet when I go over there usually.) The food was good, the leftovers have been great. It was good. I missed my family, but I enjoyed spending time with friends. I had a really good thankful I want to share, because I think it’s important…

I’m thankful for friends, both alive and dead. I’m thankful for family, both natural and chosen. And I am thankful I have shelter and food to enjoy and share with all of the above…

-me, changed a bit for web consumption.

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