Well, I’ll tell ya, it’s a funny thing sharing your thoughts and feelings online. I always feel like there has to be a line where things becomes just entirely too personal, and I should keep those thoughts to myself. And building on that, the last bit of time has been fairly unpleasant inside of my head. I decided a long time ago never to share when I was completely hopeless, and I figured with this blog I was trying to set up a business. And who wants to hire a Whiny pathetic scrub who has nothing helpful to say? I feel like I have spent a lot of pixels saying what I want this to be, but not so many explaining what I don’t want it to be…
I really have no desire to make this a pity party for myself or anyone else. Having the particular psychological and chemical makeup that I do makes it difficult enough without strictly focusing on the negative. There’s enough people that I have known who want to walk on teacups around me, I don’t need to do it as well. So constantly whining about my problems helps no one.
On the flip side of that, I really hate the toxically positive. I find far too many people in the mental health community who want to focus strictly on the positive side of life. Fuck that. “How can I be whole if I fail to recognize my shadows cast?“ said somebody smarter than me once. Besides how would you recognize if you were happy all the time? Maybe it’s just looking through my two-tone glasses, but I recognize in order to see the good things, there has to be sad things as well.
So the point of all that is that the last couple of months have been really difficult. My living situation was made more complicated, than I learned that I had to move again, then I couldn’t find a place and somewhere in the midst of all that I got the brilliant idea to quit smoking/vaping. No nicotine since Thanksgiving, no vaping since Xmas. Not the easiest time to quit, but hey, when do I ever go with easy?
So, where am I at now?
I found a place. I’m not thrilled with how much family help it is taking to keep me here… Wait, no, let me rephrase that, I am thrilled to death that I have a mother who is able to help me this much with getting me here. I am thrilled that she can do that. I am beyond livid that she has to do this. I am on disability. I am supposed to qualify for programs that should be paying for my food, housing and health insurance. I am even jumping through the hoops so that I am employed enough to get help, but not so employed that I am screwing myself out of the help that I need to get started.
But my mom is supporting me because the programs I am supposed to be on are too full and I need the help, and while this is temporary, it’s keeping me off the streets until I can get myself together enough to get off of disability.
Sorry, that was only going to devolve into some further political ugliness…
I took a break because I couldn’t pull myself together enough to sit and type words that could help is what happened. Then I talked to somebody who helped me to realize that maybe that could help somebody, maybe somebody else would get inspired to do something. Or maybe somebody would reach out and help me. Either way, he helped me to realize I needed to get up, dust myself off, and get back to the job at hand.
Which makes me want to say something about gratitude. “Gratitude and karma are not such strange bedfellows”, I feel like somebody said that. If not, it should be said. Gratitude will help those who helped you. And maaaaaaaaaan, the people I have leaned on for the last few months. I don’t know how many of them read this, but a great big thanks to you, dear friends, without you I would be on the streets or much more likely in jail.
You know who you are.
I’m just going to go off and write a post for my other blog at DubRonin.NET about the particulars of where I have moved to and how I intend to set up the apartment/studio/home. If you want to read about that, feel free to follow the link. I’m intending a big change in both of these websites, and I want to follow my ideas that are still in my head…