The “Past” Paradox

The “Past” Paradox

I get told to let go of the past a lot, that I have too much baggage from situations and aggravations long since past. This tends to come from friends and family, who like too point out that I hold grudges far too long. My issue is that this also tends to come from people who are holding grudges from arguments that ended decades ago.

Lost on an alien planet and out of fuel to get the hell out of dodge…

This hasn’t been the best of weeks. I’m tired all the time because of the cocktail of medications I take. Add to this a desire to finish up moving out of my last home so I can get some pro-rated crumbs added to the security deposit my mom will be getting back, numerous people promising to help and then backing out at the last moment because of weather or health issues, Being utterly broke to the point of begging for cash so I can make a meal. It gets exhausting. It becomes very hard to go on.

The website will be closing in February for multiple reasons. I haven’t gotten the response I had hoped for from it, it’s a bit difficult to keep multiple sites up, and most importantly of all, not being able to afford the cost. Basically, it’s not making money to pay for itself, so good bye dreams. It probably makes more sense to just have a SoundCloud anyways.

We are the music makers, The Dreamers of Dreams

Abraham Lincoln

The nightmares are back in full effect now. Every time I fall asleep it’s some new memory coming back to haunt me and smack me around for a bit. If it weren’t for Remington (My cat, not a gun) being a constant I’m not sure I would make it through these days. There’s something so beautiful in his eyes, just wanting whatever it is that he needs at the moment, and hoping I can give it to him. One of the very few honest people around me.

None of this crap is new. The crisis of confidence has been going on so long I am starting to believe I really do have just the one talent and no way to share it with anybody. But I recognize I am trying to get the world to beat a path to my door without me doing anything to explain why they should.

The level of hypocrisy I display is astounding.

One response to “The “Past” Paradox”

  1. Please, please stop kicking that little guy inside you. Widows are often told to wait a year before they make any changes. You’ve been forced to make way too many much too soon. Please just hold him and comfort him and let him cry it out. He’s always been strong and resourceful, he just needs some time to heal.


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