Alive by default

Alive by default

There is a level of … Let’s say, depression, that I experience that is particularly brutal I like to call “Alive by default”. It’s where I have thought out my existence and have counted up the pros and cons and let’s just say it’s too much effort to go with the cons. I know there is a bunch of different ways of killing me in theory, it’s just I don’t think they would either a) be feasible or b) be executable (Pardon My Pun). Like I don’t have access to anything I think would be willing to actually do. Too much effort, too much pain, takes too long, etc. You get the point.

They usually start because of an absurdly vivid dream I have about a life that I so Desperately want, but do not feel I have. Or that I have a chance at having. So I just spend the whole day spiraling downward until I inevitably crash and feel the need to put myself down for the day.

Last night I dreamt that I was in a relationship with a minor celebrity I have a crush on. My Celebricrush. It was a fairly long dream, too. All about how we met at an event and traded numbers and up on to when we moved in together.

At which point, I woke up. Realized it was a dream and if that had actually happened, I would have tanked the relationship long ago. Besides which, any girl that I would be interested in would be smart enough to see that I am nowhere near ready to date, and any girl interested in me is a hard “NOPE” because there is clearly something very wrong with her that I would make up, if necessary.

So I fell back asleep thinking I did an excellent job of quelling any excitement and slaughtered any hope that I might have. And promptly went back in to the dream, where I was thinking that the whole waking up and talking to myself was all some weird delusion., and the dream was definitely reality. So we drove off to meet some friends of hers and move her out. Like some kind of bad network dramedyThey began to take me aside and tell me they were on to me while she helped in the kitchen. Each one worse than the last, each with another reason I sucked as a human being. I didn’t know what to, so I left.

I went home, I drew myself a bath and decided to soak and meditate. I thought about why I was so sad. I thought about why I wanted to die and what I could do to fix the situation. I got worse and worse as I lay there, soaking. So I got up out of the bath, put some clothes on, went out to the elevator and rode to the twentieth floor. I walked out of the elevator and ran as hard as I could at the glass window ahead of me.

Which is when I woke up and realized I was more lonely than I was in the dream because I had had another whole relationship, on top of it not even being real. Moreover still, I didn’t have any creamer, and it was snowing.

A lot.

So, no, hasn’t been the best of days.

One response to “Alive by default”

  1. What is it with dreams lately? I’ve been traveling from here to Florida, directly to Michigan and on to Sweden and Norway. The scenery is so beautiful and the fellow travelers so much fun. then I wake up and realize I’m not going anywhere and the scenery isn’t changing at all. I think there’s a pervasive sadness all about, especially since the Unkraine war and the total helplessness we feel. Those old fears of nuclear war come back just as frightening as they were70 years ago.. Then, just top something like that off with a big dose of loneliness. I’m sending you all the love and hugs you can handle!


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