I have re-written this post about a hundred times in my head, trying to decide how much to admit to in public and how much to hold back. I know that admitting you have a problem is supposed to be the first step, so I’m going to go ahead and admit that I know I have great potential for an addictive personality. I have been incredibly lucky in my nearly five decades of life in that I have only become addicted to a very small smattering of substances. Caffeine is aa socially acceptable addiction so I don’t feel the need to declare anything there. I have never made a real serious attempt to quit, so I have no idea how bad it has me. I know when I have gone days without it I had tremendous headaches and was grumpy. So I’d say that’s an addiction.
With the many different illicit drugs I have tried, I wouldn’t say I have had any problems stepping away from them other than the physical symptoms. Physical withdrawal is never pleasant, but I wouldn’t say I have ever felt hooked on anything. In addition I have walked away from them without much difficulty several times in my life. I do smoke cannabis on a regular basis, but that is to control my anxiety and help deal with the traumatic year I have been having.
But cigarettes? A whole different level. They got my ass in a sling. I keep saying this is my quit day. I keep finding new ways to justify smoking. I know I need to get it under control because at this point if I don’t stop I am going to run out of credit, money and things. Just so I can smoke.
When I moved back to Maryland this last time, I had it in my head that I would quit smoking “shortly.” It didn’t work out that way. I switched to vaping. Vaping a premium brand saying that spending a little more on hardware would save me money in the long run. I have no idea if it did, but since it didn’t smell very much it was a bit more socially acceptable. So Just kept plunking down more money every month to keep killing myself slowly.
If you read any of the subtext to this blog you’re probably thinking I really haven’t made up my mind on whether I want to live or not. I’m trying to not be terribly dramatic about an overly dramatic topic, but I don’t know that I have made up my mind. I don’t feel like I am actively trying to die anymore, but I am also downright positive that I am not trying to live either. I spend so much time thinking “what does it matter? If I don’t die from my own idiotic mistakes, the worlds going to end soon anyways” Not the cheeriest of thoughts, but I am a wee depressed lately.
So In any case, I’m hoping by admitting just how bad my addiction is I can stop. That’s kind of the point to all of this. Hopefully if I write it somewhere, somebody will read it, and somebody else will understand it. Quitting smoking sucks. It really, really does.