Comments & suggestions

As I sink further and further into the wallowing I have started, I notice that I am becoming more and more annoyed by the suggestions that people give me. I have been in the mental health system for around about fourty years now, and I feel like I have heard almost every suggestion that the neurotypicals can provide.

Just this week a friend told me to cheer up and look on the positive side. I must admit if he wasn’t on another continent I would probably drive to his house and pound him into sometime next week. It’s almost as if I had never thought of this before. Never tried it. Like I enjoy this state of being. I think of this as the bootstrap method.

Then there are the ever so slightly evolved comments that I have said to people as a NAMI facilitator every week last year. “”Have you heard of, have you tried volunteering, Do you think you’re sleep hygiene is not at it’s best, blah blah blah” I was always amazed when people were open to these suggestions as it was offered EVERY SINGLE WEEK in one of the groups. I group these into the psychology 101/Oprah network category of thought. If you took a basic psychology class in high school or college, or you watch Oprah, BAM, there it is. Slightly more evolved, but basic, oh soooooooooooo incredibly basic.

When I have reached a certain level of depression, the ABSOLUTE last thing I want is a problem solver. I don’t know if this is because I come from a family of people who have ALL made a career out of being problem solvers (myself included, at this point), or if it is a universal thing. I would love to hear from others if it is.

My therapist told me this week I was wallowing. I initially took offense to this, then decided to do something about it, then those efforts blew up in my face, and now I am figuring, Fuck it, I am a master of wallowing, let me show off my skillz.

I scratched one thing off my list this entire week, and that was done out of spite because I don’t want to give someone else an excuse to whine. I changed the comment system to moderated on my blog (not the thing I scrathed off my list) because I felt like it defeated the purpose of this blog to have it become a conversation between my mother and I on the internet about how I am living my life. I intended this to be a glimpse into my mind. I wanted to share with friends, family and potential clients what goes on inside the head of someone who is actually mentally ill. And from the comments I have gotten I feel like it has been a way for others to solve my problems and/or judge me, which makes me feel very strongly like there is no point in making that public. You can judge my actions in your own head, I don’t want to hear it, and I sure as hell do not want anybody else to hear it.

I am on a razor’s edge between sharing incredibly personal thoughts in an effort to normalize mental illness and giving the world an excuse to look at what I am doing and tell me what is wrong about that, and judge it from their own point of view. YOU do not live in my head, so YOU can not understand what I go through and how hard my days are. Anxiety is a bitch. C-PTSD is a bitch. And not believing in yourself because you have been taught that your reality that you live in twenty four motherfucking painful hours a day is a lie is a fucked up way to live.

So, what do I want then?

I want support. I want people to listen. I want folks to call and check on me. I want them to offer to help with the things I suggest and want to do, and for god’s sake people, offer to come over to MY house once in a while. I get that you have fifteen children and work one hundred and eighty five hours a week and your car is only capable of driving on the beltway when you are going to work, but maybe, just FUCKING MAYBE, once in a while meet me halfway? Or consider the weekends? or possibly that I AM SO FUCKING SICK IN THE HEAD RIGHT NOW THAT ME DRIVING MAY NOT BE THE BRIGHTEST OF FUCKING IDEAS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Sorry, that slipped out, but…. Think it over numbskull, maybe the suicidal guy should not be in charge of the station wagon shaped missle travelling at high speeds on the road he detests more than life itself?

Ok, but you live out of state, so what can you do then?

There is this absolutely amazing thing that happened in the last place I lived. A dear friend who lived ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY sent me sushi through door dash, and it literally made me and my flatmate cry. Because just the thought that somebody cared THAT much was incredibly powerful. I love gifts, I have an amazon wishlist that I put small cheap items on so that I can treat myself in the future. Want to make me smile, don’t tell me, just send it. OR you can use a phone and call me. or an email. or a package with a leaf that you picked up? Send me a playlist on youtube of the best star wars fan films. or just a playlist on spotify or apple music. don’t do amazon music, nobody likes amazon music.

there are a million ways you can let your depressed friend know that you are in their corner, all of which don’t involve telling them to go volunteer or go for a walk (because what I hear is “get moving, FATASS!!!”), or any of the other bullshit canned responses that are out there. I have literally heard them all at this point, and all they do is make me get eye rolling injuries. For one second, THINK about who you are talking to and try to personalize the response. I know it hurts to not put your self in every equation, but your only hurting the other person if you don’t.


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