Accountability

Not an easy subject for me.

This week has been a really hard one for me, both emotionally and physically. I don’t know if it is just the stress of how much mind work I have been doing or bad food choices or what, but my blood sugar has been really high all week. I have been taking the extra quick acting insulin as I was supposed to, but it just won’t go down. This may be due to the insulin being exposed to warm temperatures due to the fridge being broken last month, or just my body has enough of being poked with needles. Not sure which. I know the right answer is to call the doctor, but frankly, I haven’t got the energy.

I’m listening ng to Chris Connelly’s album Shipwreck as I write this. It’s about perfect for my mood. Throw in Am I Dead Yet with Mary Byker on Vocals and you just about have my mood. Reflective, introspective, irritated but not quite angry. Sad and Listful, but with a hint of irony. It’s just not the best of days. I have been trying to allow this mood to pass this week and it just won’t because taking responsibility for not wanting move forward hurts. A Lot.

I said to my therapist, my mother and my best friend this week that I had come to realize I was allowing my feet to drag, that I was manipulating others into to doing more than was necessary to take care of me. I realized I was manipulating all of them. Because it is so much easier to have someone else be responsible for protecting me, so much simpler to have someone else pay my way, and someone else hold my emotions in check and be responsible for me indulging my addictions. I see this as a critical fuck-up. It’s incredibly hard to forgive myself for this. But now I am down in a pit with nobody else to blame but myself.

On top of this accountability for my addictions I also had to admit that grief is a bare-knuckle boxing match I can’t always win. Sometimes I can’t even control the fight. So as such, it’s going to take me down paths I have absolutely zero interest in going down. “She’s gone” is a sentence I find myself saying out of nowhere. And It’s not just Laurie, it’s all of the people who have left my life in ways I didn’t want them to. Somehow I keep remembering things about the good times I spent with so many people, and people I expected to miss I just simply don’t.

So me being me I try to insert myself into people’s lives in the wrong way, I try to get noticed by people who have much things to do, and when I don’t get the attention that I want from those people, I just run back to my man-cave and I hide. This is how I deal with utter dissatisfaction of myself. I have been trying to meditate on the idea that I am good enough, that I am valuable and it takes time to build up a life, social or otherwise. But I want it now. I want it yesterday, in fact.

I also am trying to get the idea that the most important opinion of me has GOT to be my own, but as an artist, entertainer or otherwise, I just don’t know how to drill this into my head. I get I have to choose the One Thing that I am going to focus on, which I have definitely tried to do, but I feel like I have to clean out the cobwebs so to speak so I can get moving. I’ve done a lot of that. I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit which is spilling out all over the place, but I HAVE started on the YouTube videos finally. I have one of them recorded, I have the camera tests done, I have the technology in my posession, so that ball is rolling. At least I have that going for me.

I’m fucking proud of my ability to speak in public to others, and

I can.

Not.

Wait.

To share this. 

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