The last week has definitely been an uptick. Not a massive amount of relief or productivity, but some. And sometimes that’s all it takes. My last post really beat the shit out of me, there’;s just no other way to put it. I had to stop twice while just so I could clear my eyes a bit and see the screen (from all the crying) and then it left me feeling physically nauseous for the rest of the day. That was highly unusual, but the important thing was that I got it out. I needed it to be written somewhere public so I could not escape it, or deny it or anything. But as soon as it was done, and I had my little fit, I could let it go. So I started trying to figure out what to do about it.
The biggest problems was my addictions. So I spoke to the people that I thought it was effecting and explained some of the rules I had implemented.
No asking for cash when I was smoking, this was my deal and nobody else should be paying. So No asking unless I am endangering my food supplies, health or home
I am making myself walk to get cigarettes. Gives me a bit of exercise and keeps me from buying them willy nilly.
No smoking indoors. That seems kind of a no brainer.
Anyways, you get my point. With the weather being so cold and then windy and rainy and all over the place, smoking hasn’t been great. BUT, I did learn about the nicotine receptors in the brain and what they do for people and suddenly it all made sense to me. My mother told me I was the one who had the problem, so I needed to figure out how to lose the guilt. I believe very strongly in totems for rabbits and change. So I refilled my zippo and said I would use this to light every cigarette. This would remind me that it’s temporary, and reminds me not to feel guilty about it, because it is a temporary thing. I’ve quit twice now, I can do it again.
I also felt so much better for having gotten all of that crap off of my chest that now I have been having a good week, I am not nearly as unstable as I have been for the last few months and I am starting to feel like me again. Able to listen and enjoy each person I am with, while not lumping people together in to categories. Able to do a lot of productivity, even if it’s not everything I want to get done. I get the really important things done.
It’s not perfect, but damn, I feel a lot better, I still have a lot of shipwreck in my head again, Specifically the song swimming. Really specifically the line about “learning to swim on my own”. Thank you Mr. Connelly, you have helped me through more dark patches than you can imagine. I’d tag you on Facebook, but I just want the internet to know. At some point, I really should write about why the rock stars tend to be on pedestals, but god damn, they have been helpful.