It’s all a process. That’s what I keep telling myself. I think I have gotten past one foot in front of the other at this point, was probably marching in circles for quite a bit, but now things seem to have straightened themselves out. I think I understand my building/complex now. I can keep things working fairly well within the apartment, there’s always going to be roaches, that’s for sure. But at least there’s not as many random events to propel me over the edge anymore.
I’m sure this has a lot to do with my emotional state. I don’t feel quite like the slightest problem will spin me out of control, but I am still feel a bit raw. Going to visit Laurie’s grave yesterday was an incredibly emotional experience, but I am so glad I did it. It was the first time I really delved into those feelings and didn’t feel betrayed or angry or upset about me, just sad that I very much miss my friend. BUT, I am so happy that she was a part of my life for so long, and that we had so many wonderful times together. I needed to thank her for that, and I am glad I did. I also needed to tell her how much I miss her stupid dog. Fat Dog was awesome, and I am so glad he got to be a part of me and Remington’s circle.
So What now?
Small is the new big right? Lots of small moves to set up the big moves. Time to start taking care of my medical health as well as my mental. I set up appointments with every doctor, dentist and specialist I have. Time to start cuddling my own body so that it will last as long as I need it to. The exercise has been great. Going out and walking at least a mile every day has really made me feel better. Being more social and taking every advantage to chat with people makes me feel like part of the community. This is all good stuff, headed in the right direction, I’m starting to believe those goals aren’t so far away, I just need to keep walking towards them. I will get there when I get there, it’s all about the journey, and I am more than ok with that. It’s time to start working my networking skills. Getting in touch with friends and saying hello and not expecting anything from anybody.
Just simply trying to make a connection and see who’s interested. Or interesting, depending.